The Kilwade Tragedy Read online

  The days for thoughts and prayers (and nothing else) need to be over. A few years back my family’s home was destroyed by Hurricane Harvey due to flooding. What we needed and received members showed up at my home with tools in hand to rip out sheetrock and carpet. We spent days piling our furniture, appliances and other belongings into six foot tall heaps onto our sidewalk. It was a painful time for us but we needed action. Thoughts and prayers were a nice gesture but they didn’t help get my family back on our feet – action did. Think about how you felt after Columbine. Really think about all of the thoughts and emotions that you went through. The shock factor rivaled that of 9/11 – something that completely blindsided us all and left us speechless. School shootings now happen so frequently that they no longer carry that level of disbelief. Nor do we spend as much time reading about it or trying to learn all of the details. Or wondering if it will happen again – we’ve accepted that it will happen again. The only questions are where and how many will be killed or injured. Sadly it’s commonplace now. Students walking into their high school and murdering their classmates is commonplace in America. Read that sentence again. Think about this - when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor was there a swift from neighbors, friends and family (strangers too) was action. People radical response? When militant terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center was there a swift radical response? When the New England Patriots were accused of deflating footballs to gain an unfair advantage was there a response? Punishment? Rule changes? When a hurricane devastates a community – the government quickly

  swiftly

  declares it a disaster area and aid is administered. Americans respond smartly, quickly and aggressively when we want to. Some may say those examples are national catastrophes with dire consequences… and they’d be right. But when did we decide that children being shot down at school shouldn’t also fall into that category? We haven’t acted swiftly, quickly or aggressively to fix this problem yet.

  We also need bi-partisan teamwork to help pass swift common sense safety measures in our schools regardless of the cost. But Terry - we don’t have the money? Yes we do. Perform a quick Google search – How much US President spends playing golf. I don’t care if you are a Democrat or a Republican - both parties’ leaders are guilty. Take the golf money and spend it here. Problem solved. I’m willing to bet that you’ll still have a few dollars left over to get a round of eighteen in Mr. President.

  Parents, educators and friends – we all need to become more invasive. Humans are nosy by nature but the times when we should be prying the most we aren’t. There was a time where parents knew all of their kid’s friends and their parents. Who they enjoyed hanging out with. Most parents today can’t name their kids favorite bands. They don’t log into their kids phones. They don’t monitor their internet usage. They don’t monitor their social media presence. I know because I’m a parent to two teen-aged children. Their friends frequent my house, and I listen to them talk. I listen to them cry out for help in their various ways. I see how broken many of them are. Or I attend a football game or a track meet from a team comprised of thirty students and I see four sets of parents in the stands. Week after week – game after game. Parents need to take back over the role of parenting and yank it back from cell phones and laptops. Back from the Facebooks, Twitters, Instagrams and Snapchats of the world. Those were never intended to be babysitters or were they? One day very soon I hope that our lawmakers and parents become outraged enough to make swift and drastic changes in regards to addressing mass school shootings and how we parent/raise our children. Talk is cheap and everyone has been talking way too long – we need action. No politics, no hidden agendas, no lobbyists – action. If our children are really our most precious resource we sure as hell aren’t acting like it. Talk is cheap. Ban together address the issues and work towards a solution. Or we can keep on our current course and wait for the inevitable headline to flash across our screens again – 21 students slain in school shooting.

  So what do I really hope to achieve with this book? I want a kid that is suffering with depression - that has been too afraid to talk to someone to realize they are not alone. I want them to find the courage to seek out help. I want them to understand that depression isn’t their fault and that it doesn’t make them less of a person. I want a parent that has been too afraid to engage in such difficult conversations, too finally say today is the day. I want educators, parents, extended family members, teens and pre-teens to each be able to read this book and find common ground to talk about. I want this book to help facilitate conversations. Simply put I want this book to save someone’s life. I’d love to hear your success stories as well. The link to my website is at the end of the book, from there you can find my contact info. Happy reading.

  Terry

  Special Acknowledgement I’d like to give a special shout-out to a few really cool kids that helped an old guy like me out with this book. They partnered with me to make sure the book was spot on in addressing the issues today’s youth face. Many thanks to Anjel, Ashton, Cade, Caleb, Cameron, Carter, Hunter, Jacey, Juju, Kyla, Lakin, Olivia, RJ, Ryan, Sterling and Terry III. You all have a special place in my heart and I hope you enjoy the read. This cast of characters will also serve as my first round-table discussion group. I’m looking forward to that!

  A final note about the story. I’ve gotten a few early reviews back from readers. Many were shocked and saddened by the teen age world depicted. I assure you it isn’t some make-believe fairy tale world. I work with, coach, mentor and talk to teens from all walks. From low income to high and everywhere in between – the world depicted here is MANY of their realities. We can’t wish this way. Let’s embrace the harsh truths and find a way to make this new frontier a better place for our kids.

  Don’t forget to leave a review – thank you.

  Prologue Let me just start off by saying that no kid is ever born thinking, one day I’m going to kill myself. If you would have told me six months ago that I was going to kill myself, I would have called you crazy. Only kids dealing with deep mental imbalances do stuff like that - right. Only crazy kids? But here we are.

  But why? You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Sure, I could go on and live another sixty years here, but you’ll just hurt me more. I know I’m worthless, so why should I drag this out any longer? I’m tired of feeling the shame of not being good enough. I’m tired of being everyone’s punching bag – their pin cushion. I’m tired of loving people as deep as humans can love only to be spat on. Was I only born for you to laugh at me? Why do we hurt each other? Why do you hurt me? I don’t know, but no one will hurt me ever again. No one will hurt me ever again. Never will I give my heart to a girl to have her rip it out for some cheap fun. Never will I walk down the halls while everyone points and stares at me.

  Who’s to blame for this? All of you played a part. None of you did enough. Some of you didn’t even try. Most of you wouldn’t have cared anyway. Instead of asking me if I was okay or if I wanted to talk, you laughed at me. You pointed your fingers at me and laughed. Like I don’t feel pain. Like I don’t hurt like anyone else. Like I don’t have feelings. You tore me to pieces one by one, laugh by laugh, day by day. Until finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I feel nothing. I feel nothing for you or myself. That means that I can hurt you like you hurt me and I will feel nothing. I don’t care about you – honestly why should that sound weird? You didn’t think about me either. Ever. You used me to make yourselves feel better, to make yourselves feel superior. Good job you win. You finally got me to break.

  You’ve made me ashamed to be in my own skin.

  Am I the only kid to ever get picked on? Ever have parents get divorced? Ever get cheated on? Ever find out that he was a bastard? No. But I guess I’m not put together like other people because I can’t take it anymore. I don’t have anything to look forward to. It feels like I’m here for no reason other than the joy of others. Am I weak because I don’t want to be kicked again? Maybe. Or maybe we should just
treat each other better.

  Have you ever walked by a mirror and felt disgusted at the image you saw? I have. Then finally one day you just decide you’re no longer going to look in the mirror at all.

  I want some of you, as many as I can, to hurt with me. I want your families to hurt because they did nothing either. They knew you laughed at me but no one told you to stop. You thought kicking me, hurting me was fun? For those of you that survive, maybe this changes you. I hope you are kinder to people. I hope you realize that other people besides yourself matter.

  Couldn’t any of you see the pain in my eyes when you looked at me? You couldn’t take one second to ask me if I needed help? Not until it was too late.

  I’m not perfect. I failed in so many ways – I know. I don’t want to get it wrong anymore. I don’t want to look in the mirror and see myself – see a loser. No one wants to see that.

  You’ve made me ashamed to be in my own skin.

  Mom, I love you. I was too hard on you these last few months and for that I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. Take care of Kevin for me. I wish you would have told me about my dad before it was too late. I won’t talk about it here, but have a sit down with Uncle Tommy.

  Kev, I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the big brother that you needed. Add it to the list of things that I failed at. I do love you though.

  Dad, I loved you once. I wish you could have loved me back half as much. I wish you could have been the man that you wanted me to be. The man that you pretended you were.

  Nikki, we had some good times. I was going to make you my wife but I guess it wasn’t in the cards. Find somebody good. Find someone that will make you smile.

  Doc, it might have worked between us? I think it was worth a shot. Thanks for trying to save me. The mountain was just too tall to climb. Don’t give up on people.

  Mark, you were my brother from day one. You know more about me than any other human. Thank you for always letting me be me. I love you.

  Richard, maybe if you would have called six months ago I’d be in a different place.

  There is nothing left for me here. Every time I open my eyes, I see darkness and I’m tired of being alone in the dark. I can’t take any more pain. Why do we hurt each other? Why do we make each other feel smaller than nothing?

  I’ve reached the end of my line – you guys win. Congratulations. No one will hurt me ever again.

  Why am I doing this in one short sentence? You’ve made me ashamed to be in my own skin.

  Cell phone password 454588

  Computer password youfailedme

  Its okay, that’s enough now. My AR-15 will judge you all today. It will cast a sentence that is undeniable. It will spread the same message to you that you’ve shown me: HATE. Like I said, no one will hurt me ever again. Today, I get to hurt you.

  One month earlier

  Friday, Aug. 16

  Chapter 1

  Blaze looked down at the time on his cell phone again. It was seven fifteen a.m.

  The sun was coming up over the horizon blinding him. He took out his sunglasses and slid them on.

  He tried to forget the fight he’d had with his mom the night before. Smoking weed really wasn’t that big of a deal. Why the hell was she bugging over it? All his friends smoked and it helped him cope with all of this shit. The weed wasn’t causing his grades to slip. Besides, she didn’t care to know the real reason why he’d been struggling.

  Blaze peeked down at his watch and pursed his lips. He wasn’t very good at being patient.

  “Why are you looking at the time again?” Mark asked with a grin. “Girls are never on time. My mom is never on time. My sister is never on time. It is what it is. If you got a woman, you gotta deal with her being late.”

  Blaze laughed, “You’re right. I really don’t know why I expected otherwise.”

  “Yeah, I don’t either. You’re old enough to know better. Besides, the river isn’t going anywhere and the beer will still be cold when we get there. Chillax.”

  Blaze smiled.

  Mark was Blaze’s best friend – pretty much his only friend. He was tall and lanky with dark brown hair. If you looked up athletic in the dictionary, imagine the total opposite of that and you’d have Mark. But he’d been there since Kindergarten and the pair had been inseparable ever since. Even when they were in first grade and Blaze was getting his ass kicked by a fifth grader. Mark was right there getting beat up with him.

  “This weekend is going to be epic,” Mark said smiling. “Epic my man! You just wait and see.”

  Blaze shrugged and smirked.

  “C’mon man, that’s all I get is a shrug? Relax bro and let’s have some fun! You got somewhere better to be right now?”

  He grinned – barely. Mark was right, he didn’t have anywhere better to be. “I promised you I’d try. I haven’t been myself lately. I don’t know, it’s stupid but I’ve been down over my parents and their dumb shit. Dad leaving. Just been down and out. This is nothing new though. I’ve complained about all this shit before. Just feels like nothing is going right. And I’m failing two classes. I’ve never failed a class before. I just can’t seem to shake this funk I’m in bro. Feels like the whole damn world is caving in on me.”

  Blaze wanted to tell him everything but he wasn’t sure this was the right time.

  Mark patted him on the shoulder. “I know bro. But this is going to go right. Why do you think we are taking this trip? We need to liven your ass up some. Get you back to being you. We got some girls, some beer and some smokes. And we’re going to get your skinny ass some food. You lookin frail my man! We’ll hit the river and Sixth Street and make you forget about all this shit bro. Besides, I’ve failed plenty of classes. It’s okay – you’ll live.”

  Blaze smiled. “Yeah, but you’re a dumbass though.”

  Mark punched him hard in the arm.

  Having fun sounded great. If only it were that easy. And he’d noticed the weight loss. If anyone else had noticed they hadn’t said anything. It was strange but even when Blaze was with friends he still felt lonely. How was that even possible? And they’d have a few good days at the river, yes. Then Monday would roll around and it’d be back to the same shit show of a life. Then he’d go to school where it would be even worse. Why was he continuing to torture himself? He hadn’t figured that part out yet.

  Ten minutes later and almost thirty minutes late, the girls finally appeared from the house.

  The boys got out to help them load their suitcases in the trunk. Why did they have so many bags for two nights, Blaze wondered.

  “Hey baby,” Nikki said. “Sorry we’re late.”

  Blaze bent down and gave her a kiss. “It’s okay – rough night?”

  “The party was reedic!” Kaylea yelled. “You suckers missed out.”

  “Meh, we’ll have more fun this weekend,” Mark said.

  “We got weed?” Kaylea asked Mark.

  “Duh. What kind of party would it be if we didn’t?” Mark replied dangling a bag over her head.

  Kaylea and Nikki smiled.

  Kaylea walked over and pulled Mark into her. The two kissed so long that finally Blaze interrupted. “Jesus Christ, do you two need a few minutes?”

  “Don’t be a hater Blaze,” Kaylea said, finally pushing Mark away.

  “Need some tips bro?” Mark asked leaning close to him.

  “No, he doesn’t,” Nikki said. “Blaze is actually a really good kisser.”

  Blaze poked his chest out a little.

  “Yeah, yeah,” Mark said.

  Nikki was above average height and had a volleyball player build. She wore her highlighted blonde hair down most of the time. If there were ten girls in a room, chances are she’d be the prettiest. But she had a wild side that Blaze loved

  - and that scared him.

  Kaylea was attractive in a more girl next door kind of way. But she was as crazy as you could find. If there was a table and music she was on it. The kind of girl that partied like she’d neve
r see you again and didn’t care if she did.

  They finished loading up the car and hit the road with Blaze driving.

  “How long till we get to Buc-ee’s?” Nikki whined almost instantly.

  “Hmm, about an hour and forty-five minutes,” Blaze said.

  “Ohhh, turn that up!” Kaylea yelled.

  A song by Megan the Stallion had come on the radio.

  Both girls sung at the top of their lungs, while recording the entire performance on Snapchat.

  Normally Blaze didn’t listen to 97.9, Houston’s Rap and R&B station. But they’d insisted so that’s what was playing. He didn’t hate rap music, it just wasn’t his first choice.

  Mark had his phone pointed on them, recording on Snapchat too.

  “Time for a shot,” Mark said.

  “Already?” Blaze groaned. “Shit, we just left you wine’os,” he said laughing.

  “Yes, party pooper. It’s time already!” Mark called back. He took a bottle of Tequila out of his bag and held it up in the air.

  They all took a shot and then Mark and the girls did one more.

  Mark nudged Blaze and said, “Tequila makes her clothes fall off, right?”

  “From what I saw earlier, she doesn’t need help with clothes falling off.”

  “Good point!”

  “Oh my God, he is so fiiine, right girl!?” Kaylea squealed from the back seat.

  “Who?” Nikki asked.

  “NBA Youngboy,” she said pointing to the radio.

  “Duh.”

  Blaze laughed feeling like his three hour drive to Austin would feel more like forty-five minutes with all the live entertainment he had. Or maybe it’d be the other way around and feel like two weeks.

  “Is she like this all the time?” Blaze asked Mark.

  He nodded without looking up from his phone.

  “Hey, pull up next to that old guy!” Kaylea yelled a little too excitedly.

  “Why?” Blaze asked confused. “No. Leave that old man alone.”